Hi everyone. I’m back.
As with everything in life, sometimes you need to take a break and get right back at it.
Unfortunately, this blog post is from a very somber place today, and as I am writing it, the overwhelmingly sad feeling is coming right back.
On Monday, September 14, I received a call from my sister that I my favourite Aunt had passed away due to the Corona virus. At that moment, I couldn’t even speak. I mean, I knew there was a chance that that would be the end result, but I was still in disbelief.
On Monday, I cried. On Tuesday, I cried some more, had an asthma attack, it was awful. On Wednesday, I got mad. I guess I was really going through the stages of grief.
But, the thing is, I didn’t get mad at the virus, or people who wouldn’t wear masks, or people who think the Corona virus is made up; I got mad at God. I was so angry, because in the week that she was in the hospital, my anxiety was through the roof, I was so focused on her underlying issues, the fact that she was on a ventilator, and the possibility that she might not make it. And everyone was telling me that I should pray, and everything is gonna be okay and I shouldn’t worry. So I did just that, I prayed.
And then… she did not make it. I started questioning God, I asked “How could you let this happen?… she was supposed to be a victory report… others with underlying issues have recovered… why couldn’t my relative recover.” For the whole night, it seemed, I battled with God cause I just couldn’t understand it. And I started contemplating if I should even go to church on Sunday.
The most depressing part of this whole experience, is that I felt completely alone. My family lives on a different section of the island, and I live by myself, so I had to go through the sadness all by myself. I would lock myself in my apartment for days unend, sitting in the darkness, barely eating. I didn’t really know how to cope.
The other night, I was just meditating and I just started singing the hymn “Never Alone”. The chorus of the song reads
“No, never alone,
No, never alone;
He promised never to leave me,
Never to leave me alone.”
I just started to remember all the other times I had to go through bad experiences where I felt like I was alone, including the death of my Grandma in April, but I was never really alone. When I would sit in the darkness all by myself, God was right there with me. When I would cry myself to sleep, God was right there watching over me. Because he promised that he would never leave me alone, and that he is my Comforter, and he doesn’t break his promises.
And even though my Aunt is no longer with me, I know that she didn’t leave me alone, because I was able to share memories with her that will be with me forever.
Rest In Peace Aunty Michelle.